JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Grandma is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes to her Grand-daughter...

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper...
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must've been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma

[cee-dee]

Tommy was spotted riding a new Harley. He wasn't going too fast as he'd only just bought it and was still getting used to handling it.

Accelerating and getting closer to him I could see he'd also got a new jacket with some writing on the back so I accelerated to 120 to get close enough to read what it said.

"If you can read this, the wife's fallen off"

[john.b74]

CDs aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death:

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said. "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee....

[cee-dee]

Tommy was minding his own business driving back to Limerick from Kilkee in County Clare.

As he entered the townland of Lissycasey, a big fat and near to retirement age Garda, you know the type, jumps out from behind a bush brandishing a speed gun and waves Tommy to a stop.

“You were speeding,” says the guard. “Doing thirty-three in a thirty zone.” He continued.

“Heck Guard,” says Paddy “I didn’t see no sign. It must be covered by them bushes.”

“Bushes or no bushes, I’m giving you a ticket and a hundred euro fine,” say’s Brian the Guard. Now show me your tax, licence, insurance and registration documents.” Brian continued.

Tommy replied “Shur, I don’t have any tax, licence, insurance and shur, the blinking car isn’t even mine. It belongs to the guy in the boot, I hit him over the head with me revolver when I stole his car.”

“Jaysus!” Said the Guard as he backed away and jumped over the nearest ditch while frantically calling for back-up on his radio.

Within ten-minutes back-up consisting of two unmarked and three patrol cars had arrived from Kilrush.

A helicopter hovered overhead and a nervous Superintendent wearing a bullet-proof vest with a gun drawn approaches Tommy’s car where Tommy was nonchalantly listing to classical music belting out on the radio.

“Is this your car?” asks the Superintendent.

‘Tis to be sure.” Answers Tommy — all respectful like.

“And do you have tax, insurance and a license?”

“I do indeed,” says Tommy handing them out through the window.

“And do you have a gun and a body in the boot?”

“Jaysus No!” Says Tommy, “who told you that pack of lies?”

“Why he did — that garda over there,” says the Super.

“Well, the blinking liar,” says Tommy “I suppose he told you I was speeding as well………”

[john.b74]

Archie and Jock are discussing Jocks wedding. "Jock says its all going well i've got everything organised, I even bought a kilt to be married in." Archie says "that's good, what's the tarten?" Jock says "I imagine she'll be in white

[john.b74]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
"But Madam, this check is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[john.b74]

Paddy the Irishman is stuck in a burning building in London, the people on the ground shout "JUMP PADDY JUMP, WE'LL CATCH YOU IN THE BLANKET!!" Paddy says "Not likely, you British hate the sight of us Irish, if I jump you'll pull the blanket from underneath me, I'm not stupid... put the blanket on the floor, Then I'll jump!"

[john.b74]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[john.b74]

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

[john.b74]

A 60 year old woman was walking downtown when she heard a voice from above. “You will live to be a 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be a 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's clinic, she got hit by a bus and died, and went to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live to be a 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?". God said: "I didn't recognize you".

[john.b74]

Someone told me that a friend had been accused of stealing whilst working for a highways maintenance company. I absolutely refused to believe it, until I went round to his house. Unfortunately, all the signs were there.

[john.b74]

The day after Mrs O'Shea lost her husband Paddy in a scuba diving accident, she was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at her door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mrs O'Shea , but we have some information about Paddy."

"Well, tell me!" She said.

The policeman said. "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mrs O'Shea said. "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said. "I'm sorry to tell you, but this morning we found Paddy's body in Dublin Bay."

"Oh my god!." Said Mrs O'Shea, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, she asked. "What's the good news?"

"Well." Said the policeman. "When we pulled Paddy up he had two five-kilo lobsters and a dozen good size crabs on him"

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mrs O'Shea demanded.

The policeman said. "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow morning."

[john.b74]

A woman on her death bed asks her husband to rush home and get a wooden box out from under their bed. The man retuns home, gets the box out from under the bed and opens it to find 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash.
When He returns to the hospital and asks his wife: "Honey, why are there 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash?" She replied: "Well, over our 35 years of marriage whenever we had bad lovemaking I would put an egg in the box." So, immediately the husband thought of himself as a love machine.
And he asked her then: "Well, what is the money for?" And she replied: "Every time I got to a dozen eggs I sold them!

[john.b74]

Ten year old Tony were at the pharmacy with his dad, and he looked at the rack where they had the condoms. As Tony had sexual education class, he knew what condoms are used for.
- Hey dad, here's a three pack, which kind of people do use them?
- It's for those at the end of high school years, one for friday, one for saturday and one for sunday.
- What about the six pack?
- It's for college students, two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday.
- Holy cuacamole, look at the twelvepack, are those meant for young adults?
- No, that's for married men, one for Janurary, one for February and so on.

[john.b74]

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”

“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”

“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in.

She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”

“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.

The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

So I did...

[john.b74]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition ...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lough to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink ...

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lough, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety ...

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother ...

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lough like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lough is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya eejit!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy's best pal, Paddy was pleased to get a phone call from Tommy early one morning.

"You remember Gypsy Aileen forcasting that I had big money coming my way?"

Thinking it was going to be good news Paddy said "I remember, sure I do. What's happened?"

"It came true" Tommy replied

"Did it? What did you get?" Thinking a celebration was on the cards with copious amounts of Guinness flowing freely Paddy continued "Tell me where you are now and I'll come and see you? You're not at work surely?"

Tommy replied "No, I'm not at work, I'm in hospital. One of those security vans bringing the wages in to work knocked me off me bike."

[john.b74]

Cee-Dee  is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall:

He asks the owner. "What time do you get in?"

The owner looks confused and says. "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"

Paddy says. "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you."

The owner replies. "No, Cee-Dee. It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am.'"

[cee-dee]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: ' English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network, a hundred years earlier than the Scots.'

One week later, 'The Dublin Gazette'  reported the following:-
'After digging as deep as 30 feet in peat bog near Tralee, Tommy, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Tommy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

[john.b74]

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday 🎂. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from Jail It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!