JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Snipe 700 jokes since this thread started..

[tommy.irene]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[tommy.irene]

It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” “What are my choices?” asked the passenger. “Yes or No,” replied the attendant

[tommy.irene]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[tommy.irene]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.

[tommy.irene]

Irish Saw mill Accident.... Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

[tommy.irene]

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before? Passenger: No, I have not. Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping. Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help? Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

[tommy.irene]

A little girl and her mother are at chuch when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church. When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'

[tommy.irene]

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[al**bear]

New Celtic Dart Board

[tommy.irene]

A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband. “John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy… here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.” John agreed. At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited. “I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone. “Great!” replied the counselor, “ And how’s your wife?” John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”

[tommy.irene]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles." She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat." Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[tommy.irene]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!! We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset. Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!! Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed! We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive ?

[malacandran]

Your post says very eloquently and admirably, what many people think.

The only criticism is that your slogan "TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL" sounds all wrong.  It puts people right off. Could you delete it please, then more people would read your wise posts.

[tommy.irene]

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@malacandran wrote:

Your post says very eloquently and admirably, what many people think.

The only criticism is that your slogan "TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL" sounds all wrong.  It puts people right off. Could you delete it please, then more people would read your wise posts.

---

At my age i dont worry what people think off me..

[tommy.irene]

At a bar, one patron to another: “Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.” Why? “You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”

[tommy.irene]

Police pulls over Paddy for speeding "have you been drinking Sir?" Paddy replies "yes officer i've had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes." Police says "what the hell are you doing driving ??" Paddy replies "I couldn't walk''

[tommy.irene]

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.” “But I could be dead by then!” “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

[tommy.irene]

Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch." "Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."

[tommy.irene]

In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: ............ Maria.