JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

[tommy.irene]

Steve lived in Stated Island, NY and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferry home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Steve decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling a bit drunk. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Steve. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. “How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Steve to a deck hand. “It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”

[tommy.irene]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[tommy.irene]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[tommy.irene]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

[merehazle]

Tommy, what do you think of our new HORSE?

Oh belatedly happy new year.

[tommy.irene]

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh, you have to roll up the windows first!"

[merehazle]

Yes, thank you for that.   Now then I asked you what do you think of our new   HORSE ???

[tommy.irene]

---

@merehazle wrote:

Yes, thank you for that.   Now then I asked you what do you think of our new   HORSE ???

---

I like it ..Did you paint it yourself?

[merehazle]

Paint??? What the hell are you talking about?  We bought him off Romanian Gypsies.  Are you suggesting sharp practise?

 

[tommy.irene]

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

[tommy.irene]

Two guys were sitting in a double hole outhouse doing their business, when #1 gets through and pulling up his pants, a quarter falls out of his pocket and falls into the depths of the hole. As they both peer down the hole, #1 pulls out his wallet and throws a 20 dollar into the hole. "What did you do that for?" inquires #2. #1 replies "You don't think I'm going to climb down there for a lousy quarter, do you"

[tommy.irene]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me....................... . . . . . . . She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER

[tommy.irene]

Like most people I want a big house, a nice car and plenty of money. Well I've finally decided it's not going to happen while I sit on my **bleep** and do nothing, so tomorrow I'm going to leave England and re-enter it illegally.

[tommy.irene]

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

[tommy.irene]

Paddy and Murphy have been away camping for a week and it"s their last night before they return home, so they spend the evening in this country pub which was a couple of minutes walk away from the campsite. Shortly after arriving in the pub a freak storm occurs of torrential rain and high winds. Paddy and Murphy aren"t bothered as they are having a great time downing pint after pint and joking with the locals.At closing time the storm has subsided somewhat and they both make their way back to the campsite but to their dismay, their tent has blown away. Even though they"ve had a few drinks Paddy suggests taking the car and finding a hotel. They jump in and head off down the road.All of a sudden an old man"s face appeared on the passenger side and taps lightly on the window. Murphy screams out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There"s an old guy"s face there!, I think it"s a ghost Paddy!"This old man kept knocking, so Paddy says, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"So Murphy rolls his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?"Murphy, terrified, looked at Paddy and said, "He wants a cigarette!""Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" Paddy replies.So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!â Murphyyells.""Well see what he wants now!" yells back PaddyHe rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?""Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.Murphy throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!"Oh my God! HE"S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

[tommy.irene]

Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill.He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable."

[tommy.irene]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[tommy.irene]

Mary said to her neighbour, “Don’t tell me you believe your husband’s story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn’t come home with a single fish.” That’s why I believe him,” the neighbour said.

[tommy.irene]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"