JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place....

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend"....

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool"......

Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her".....
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"....?

Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block!!..

[john.b74]

Yesterday Mark had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
mark gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Mark, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!

[john.b74]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[john.b74]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[john.b74]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off.

"I sold Girl Guide cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$1,863.00," he said.

"$1,863.00!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"Easy. I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing; 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' I would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the Politicians method of giving you some **bleep**, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

[john.b74]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,

'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow is traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.'

So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him,

'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out...

LAIDTHEOLADEETOO.

[john.b74]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

[john.b74]

HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.


4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing c. If they have
messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security g. If they have broken the
bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government

[john.b74]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

[john.b74]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headteacher!"

[john.b74]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[john.b74]

A Lone Wolf Biker riding through the back roads of Montana pulls into a Rest Area and notices the facilities consist of a small outhouse and notices a Honda parked close by.

The Lone Wolf opens up the outhouse door and finds the Honda rider standing there, throwing money down the hole.

This guy is throwing $5's, $10's, and $20's down the hole.

When Lone Wolf sees him pull out a $50, he yells at the guy to stop.

The Biker says, "Man, why are ya throwin' yer money down there?"

The Honda rider says, "Oh man, when I stood up and pulled my pants up, a quarter fell out of my pants and went down the hole."

The Biker then asks, "So, you lost a quarter.

Why are ya throwin' the rest of yer money down there?"

The Honda rider answers, "B'cuz man, I'm not goin' down there for just a quarter!"

[john.b74]

Paddy and Sean each had a pig. But they couldn't tell them apart

Tell you what said Sean. I'll cut a piece from my pigs ear then we'll know the difference. Wonderful. Problem solved. But wouldn't you know it. That night the pigs had a fight and the pig with the piece out of his ear bit a piece out of the other pigs ear and in the morning Paddy and Sean were in the same quandry. Sean said I'll cut apiece from my pigs other ear. Then we will be able to distinguish them. That night-you guessed it. The pigs fought again and the pig with a piece out of each ear bit a piece from the other pigs good ear and Paddy and Sean still had the problem. So Sean cut another piece from his pigs ear and you know what happened that night. Of course you do. After two weeks the pigs had hardly any ears left. What could Sean and Paddy do? Then one morning Paddy ran into Sean's room in great excitement. Sean, Sean. I've got the answer. Sean woke up. What answer Paddy? The problem with recognizing the pigs, Paddy said. Well well don't keep me waiting, said Sean. Paddy yelled with great excitement. You have the black one and I'll have the white one.

[cee-dee]

Tommy and Paddy were discussing transgender issues and Paddy was expressing his thoughts for those so "afflicted".

Tommy had expressed his dislike of talk of such issues but Paddy persisted with his thoughts until Tommy said "I was once a man trapped in a womans body you know?"

"No, never, you never mentioned that before. What happened to you? Have you had operations?"

Tommy replied "No, my mother gave birth to me."

[john.b74]

[john.b74]

Bill and Bob, two ten year olds, were sitting in the waiting room of a pediatric clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?” Bob asked.

“I came here for a blood test,” sobbed Bill.

“So? Are you afraid?”

“No. For the blood test, but mom said they will cut my finger to get the blood.”

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, “And why are you crying now?”

To which Bob replied, “Mom brought me for a urine test!”

[john.b74]

Early morning husband woke up and ask his wife: "Would you like to join me for jogging?"

Wife: "Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?"

Hubby: "No. Jogging is good for health."

Wife: "Oh.. that means I am sick."

Hubby: "No No. If you don't want to get up, then it's OK."

Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, ha?"

Hubby: "NO. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean..."

Wife: "Aha! So I don't understand you because I'm an illiterate, right?"

Hubby: "Now look I didn't say that."

Wife: "So am I lying? "

Hubby: I beg you plz don't stretch it in the morning."

Wife: "Oh, now so I am a quarrelsome nag, am I?

HUBBY: "OK OK.. You go off to sleep. I am going jogging alone.. Happy Now??"

Wife: "You always go alone everywhere and enjoy yourself."

Hubby: "Plz Plz.. I am feeling giddy now.."

Wife: "See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself alone. You never think of my health."

Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong!!!

*Dedicated to All Married Friends...

[cee-dee]

Tommy was at the railway station. "I'd like a return ticket please."

"Where to?" he was asked.

"Why here of course" Tommy replied.

[john.b74]

One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying it on the counter.
He asking the pharmacists "Could you taste this for me, please."
Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along, taking the spoon with a
tiny dab of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around and
with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.
"Now does that taste sweet to you?" says the old man.

The pharmacists said to the old man "Hell no!"
"Oh that's a relief," say the old man, "The doctor told me to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar."

[john.b74]

An Army Sniper goes to a Rifle shop to buy new scope for his Gun:

Manager takes out one & says. "This scope is so good, you can see my house 1 km up on that hill."

The sniper looks through the scope and laughs. "I see a naked man and a naked woman in your house."

The manager looks in the scope and gives 2 bullets to sniper.
"I’ll give you this scope for free, If u shoot my wife’s head and the guy’s genitals off."

The sniper looks again in the scope.......
"Well ! Seems like I can do that with one bullet.”