JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

Tommy rode to the off-licence and bought a bottle of Whisky. As he mounted to ride home he thought "If I fall off this bike, the bottle'll break."

Tommy wasn't stupid and it only took him a minute to decide he'd better drink it so he wouldn't waste the Whisky if he fell off and broke the bottle.

That was an excellent decision because he fell off his bike eleven times on the way home.

[cee-dee]

Tommy opened a small shop selling bagpipes and guns.

One day a tourist stops in and out of curiosity asks, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?" Asks Tommy.

"Because you sell only bagpipes and guns!" Replies the tourist.

"So?" Says Tommy.

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, bagpipes or guns?"

"It evens itself out.” Said Tommy, “Each time a customer buys some bagpipes, one of his neighbours is sure to buy a gun."

[cee-dee]

Tommy was a very honest man (which was unusual, him being a Lawyer ).

Tommy and his wife had 12 children and needed to move as the rental agreement for their home was coming to an end and the lease would not be renewed. He was having great difficulty finding a new home. No one would rent to him in fear that 12 children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.  So, he had an idea, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children.

He took the remaining child with him to see homes with the Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent was filling out the application forms.

"How many children do you have?"

"I have 12 children." Tommy replied.

The agent asked "Where are the others?"

With a sad look the Tommy answered, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."

[cee-dee]

Tommy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." So Tommy leaves.

A few days later Tommy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." So Tommy leaves.

A week later Tommy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

Again Tommy leaves. The barber, who is curious about Tommy's antics, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Mick. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Mick comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber demands, "Mick, where did he go when he left here?"

Mick looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new suit. In the store he asked, "May I try on that suit in the window, please?"

"Certainly not," responded the salesman. "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."

[john.b74]

I went to the garage this morning for petrol. The first pump wouldn't work, the second wouldn't nor the third. I went into the shop and said to the blonde girl behind the counter, "Have you got your pumps on?"
She said, "No, I'm wearing Ugg boots

[cee-dee]

Tommy got a job as a painter. It was a blistering hot day and when the foreman went to check on Tommy's work he found him dripping with sweat with two jackets on.

"Why the heck are you wearing two jackets on such a sweltering hot day" he asked.

Tommy replied "It says on the tin to put two coats on."

[john.b74]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Eric. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Eric died suddenly on May 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Eric, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[john.b74]

liver: Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?

Stanley: Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?

Oliver: Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?

Stanley: No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.

Oliver: Was he building a house?

Stanley: No, they were hanging him.

[john.b74]

Someone knocked at my door this morning.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a cheese and tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner"

[john.b74]

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."
The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you here again?"

[cee-dee]

An obnoxious posh Englishman heard Tommy telling jokes in a bar and asked him "I say my man, tell me, why are Irish jokes so simple and stupid?"

Tommy replied "So the English can understand them."

[john.b74]

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and, after a whole minute, eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy and his mate Paddy had just filled their cart with hay and were driving it out of the field on to a narrow lane right in to the path of an oncoming car. The driver jammed on his brakes and swerved in to the field they'd just left and rolled over.

"Thank Heavens" said Tommy "We got out of thaat field just in time."

[cee-dee]

A chap in a pub was telling jokes and asked "What's Black and Blue and floats in Dublin Harbour?"

Tommy shouted back "A bloke who keeps telling Tommy the Irishman jokes."

[john.b74]

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”

[john.b74]

I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fit when I start auditioning women for her part.

[john.b74]

Just been attacked for helping a homeless women that I met outside Tesco today, I asked her if I could take her home she looked extremely happy and excited with me and said "yes" - then I walked off with her cardboard box

[john.b74]

The Mrs has just discovered that I was planning to take her out on Valentine’s Day...

Trust me to hire a hitman that couldn’t keep his mouth shut...

[john.b74]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,

-“Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says,

-“Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard,

-“What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says,

-“Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says,

-“Duuuude!…….How much water did you drink?!!”