JOKES

LETS START 2014 OF ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.jpgWITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.'The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy....
'How long before I can get a haircut?'The barber looked around at the shop and said,
'About 3 hours.'The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .The guy left.The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!'
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A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”

24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?”

The man replied: “Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge.”
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A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s that?”, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”

She, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”
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Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, “Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking.”

The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. “Have you been drinking?” he asks.

-“No, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

-“Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?”

-“We’re both alcoholics,” says the drunk. “We’re on the patch.”

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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!”

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .” The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
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Yep!.....All quiet in the UK......................Nothing much happens to disturb the peace........although having said that, last night a little old lady caused mayhem at the express checkout in Sainsburys when she had eleven items in her basket and not the regulation ten.



Within seconds she was pinned to the floor by alert security staff and held there till an armed response police squad arrived to take her into custody. Mind you.............she didn't go quietly, she put up a fight, decking three of them before they tasered her, and was dragged out feet first still shouting insults at the coppers...............As they put her in the back of the van she screamed at them...”You bloody blighters! ...I'm ninety two! And youse have broke me knicker elastic!



Paramedics and St Johns Ambulance staff were under immense pressure dealing with other shoppers who had fainted or were suffering with shock, and several of the Sainsburys staff had to undergo counselling because of the trauma.



The incident was never reported in the local press because the council didn't want the likes of her giving the town a bad name.........................And for once I agree with them!
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WRITTEN BY A COP: Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one's life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation... This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.
DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,
LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:
DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware:look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then,
it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird.. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT
open the door..' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer
has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on
This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted when they profiled
the serial killer in Louisiana

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle..
I was going to send this to the ladies only,
but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc.,
you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need
to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it
and it's better to be safe than sorry..
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or
a loved one's life.
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

-“No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.

-“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

-“President Bush”, his boss quickly retorts.

-“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

-“The Pope,” his boss replies.

-“Sure!” says Dave. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I now all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell’s that on the balcony with Dave?”
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A guy moves away from home to go to college. He lives in a dorm, so he had to leave his cat behind. One day he calls home and his little brother answers. He asks what’s new.

His brother says, “Mittens died.”

-“Holy hell. Why did you just blurt it out like that?”

-“What do you mean?”

-“You could have broken it to me slowly like you could have said that she’s on the roof and we can’t get her down. Then next time I called, you could have said that she got hurt, and then the next time you could have said that she died. It wouldn’t have been such a shock.”

-“Sorry, I guess I should have broken it to you slowly.”

-“That’s OK. Let me talk to Mom.”

-“She’s up on the roof and we can’t get her down.”
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A notorious gang came to town to pull off a heist, but their usual safe-cracker couldn’t make it.
One of the henchmen said, “don’t worry boss, I know a guy in town who can crack any safe.”

They brought him on board. He had an impressive toolkit but the boss wasn’t convinced and tried him out on several different safes.

The safe-cracker took a look at the first safe. “Oh, that’s just a TL-15,” he said. He opened the toolkit, and after a few minutes with the drill, he had the safe open.

The boss brought out a second safe. “Child’s play,” the safe-cracker scoffed, using a stethoscope to listen to the tumblers. He had it open in seconds.

Impressed, the boss agreed that he was as good as their old safe-cracker. The heist went down the next week.

When they reached the target safe, the safe-cracker shook his head. “This one’s pretty tough. It will be dangerous, but I’m going to have to use explosives.”

The gang watched as he opened up his toolkit. He removed a thermos and mug. They all stood, puzzled, as he set the mug atop the safe and filled it with tea from the thermos.

The safe-cracker stood back, admiring his handiwork. The boss shouted “You’re drinking tea? We don’t have time! The cops will be here any minute.”

The safe-cracker shook a finger. “When using explosives, you make time for safe tea first.”
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Are you running out of jokes, they're getting worse and worse? laughing



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

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A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling.

He asks the barman why they’re there.

-“It’s a competition. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you’ll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then you’ll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. Do you fancy having a go?”

The man has a long, hard look at the ceiling before saying,

-“No, I’ll just have a pint thanks. The steaks are too high.”
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CD I must be the only one that knows JOKES good or bad. I seem to be the only one keeping Tommys page alive
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Tommy phoned British Airways and asked "Could you be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Belfast to New York?"

 

The girl who answered the phone said "I'll check sir, just a minute."

 

Tommy said "Ah, thank you, it's pretty fast" then he hung up.

 



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

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After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench.

-“Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded. Finley looked up wide-­‐eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”
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AIDS WARNING!
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
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I hate.
Facebook attention seekers who will say something like "omg, so peed off" and then wait for their idiot friends to come running asking what's up!
Arrggh Facebook attention seekers, can't believe I forgot about them.

Have you noticed that immediately after they post their, 'I've had enough, I can't take this anymore' type statuses, they suddenly become completely incommunicado for the rest of the evening?

Next day you go on FB, all bleary-eyed cos you haven't slept a wink worrying that they've topped themselves, and there they are, happy as Larry, posting their usual banal drivel, the previous night's drama completely forgotten about. They never do tell you what was wrong.

Another thing they do is wait till about 20 or 30 'friends' have responded to their A.S.S (attention seeeking status) and then reply to ONE person with a 'oh God yeah it's really bad, I'll PM you' type response, completely ignoring all the other nosey concerned well-wishers grrr!!

I don't bother responding now. If someone really needs my help, they know how to contact me pfft!

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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam wasn’t concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn’t know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.

On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’

Bill replied, ‘I’ve been in jail.’

-‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘You?! What on earth for?’

-‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?’

-‘Yes,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

-‘Well, one day she filed **bleep** charges against me. At age 89,I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty.’

-‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
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Tommy walked into a pub and saw a sign hanging over the bar which read:-

 

Cheese Sandwich: €1.50
Chicken Sandwich: €2.50
Sensual back massage for men: €10.00

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive redheads serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

 

“Yes?” she said with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”

 

“I was wondering”, whispers Tommy, “are you the one who gives the sensual back massages?”

 

“Yes”, she purrs, “I am.”

 

Tommy replies “Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

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-“I’ve had it with my wife.” said the one drinking buddy to the other. “I’m filing for a divorce.”

-“Sorry to hear that pal.” said his partner. “May I ask why?”

-“I found her supply of birth control pills.” said the first.

-“Listen, Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.”

-“It ain’t just that.” stormed Frank. “I had a vasectomy over five years ago”.
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