JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.

[tommy.irene]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? You’re Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?" The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

[tommy.irene]

A riddle for the day Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good ) ---------------------------------------------------------- The answer is: "A Last Name." Sorry Folks...No Dirty Joke Here

[tommy.irene]

A little girl was eating a doughnut on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed," God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you!" Then she went inside. When the priest said," God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere!" The little girl said,” You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut!"

[tommy.irene]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[tommy.irene]

Loch Ness Monster .............................An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!

[tommy.irene]

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months

[tommy.irene]

Yea verily, I say unto thee -- this is a true blonde!! Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?" "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

[tommy.irene]

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with. John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her. Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!" John said, "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!" Jill looked at John and said, "Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?

[tommy.irene]

Just missed the 989 Snipe..

[tommy.irene]

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend. I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said, “That’s us in ten years.” He said, “That’s a mirror,you fool.”

[tommy.irene]

A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells "Wooo wooo," listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run. He returns in about 15 minutes. The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior. The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave. If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing. No one knows who is who and everyone is happy. The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave. The guide doesn’t see any problem with this. At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo." To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave. He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.

[tommy.irene]

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[tommy.irene]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

[tommy.irene]

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and that reminded me where I left me hat."

[tommy.irene]

"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in shop this morning. "Yes." he replied. I said, "Can you carry mine for me?" He said, "Sure." As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my car and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm lazy." "I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."

[tommy.irene]

John was driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour. Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has three legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs. He says to the farmer, "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding!" The farmer replies, "Yep, I bred 'em that way -- I love drumsticks." John: "Well, tell me, how does a three-legged chicken taste?" Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."

[tommy.irene]

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?" “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having."

[tommy.irene]

999 Snipe

[tommy.irene]

1000 Snipe..