JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

British Telecom needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from England and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out At end of the shift, the two English guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in." "The boss gasped, "Three? Those two English guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.” Student: ............! Ain’t nobody goin’ then..

[tommy.irene]

A woman was sleeping in her bed when her husband crashing through the front door at 3 am waked her up. He staggered and tried to get up the stairs, " what are you doing" she shouted, the husband replies " I’m trying to get a gallon of beer up the stairs" "leave it down there" she bellowed "I cant" he replied " I’ve drunk it".

[tommy.irene]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

[tommy.irene]

A school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[tommy.irene]

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

[tommy.irene]

The woman at the job centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone." I said, "What's your point?" She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver..

[tommy.irene]

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

[tommy.irene]

A woman is dancing happily down the railroad tracks, singing to herself "...21 ...21 ...21..." After a little while, an Antartian walks up to her. She observes for a minute and then asks, "What are you doing?" The woman does not answer and keeps singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." So the Antartian jumps on the tracks and follows her dancing and starts singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." A little later a train comes down the tracks. The woman jumps off, but the Antartian keeps dancing and singing to her self and gets hit by the train. The woman gets back on the track and starts dancing and singing again, "...22 ...22 ...22 ..."

[tommy.irene]

At a construction site on the 80th floor of a high rise building, the lone conservative on the crew was having a heated political discussion with the liberals on the project. Deciding to take a break, he called everyone over to the edge of the roof. "Did you know," he began, "that there are extremely violent invisible updrafts that are able to keep a body floating in mid-air? They only occur at certain times during the day between buildings. Here, I'll show you!" He then leaped off the side of the building, and with arms spread-eagle, floated effortlessly on an unseen cushion of air, and then gradually steered himself back to the safety of the roof. "That's awesome," one of the left-wingers shouted. "I want to try it." "Me too," another cried, and then another, and as they leaped over the side of the roof, one after the other, they fell 80 floors straight down to the ground, SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! A crowd rushed over to witness the carnage, and while doing so, one of the spectators looked up and remarked, "Boy, Clark Kent sure hates liberals!"

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

[tommy.irene]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

[tommy.irene]

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

[tommy.irene]

Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"

[tommy.irene]

Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease." The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens."

[tommy.irene]

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note: Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky.

[tommy.irene]

Two Irishmen were looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Mick will ye look at all these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "Oi'm ordering one right now" Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick, “But it shouldn't be too long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

[tommy.irene]

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.” “That’s nice.” “Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first..