JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[tommy.irene]

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

[tommy.irene]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[tommy.irene]

They say that sex is the best form of exercise..?? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[tommy.irene]

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. “Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer. “Yes, yes,” the man replied. “Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”

[tommy.irene]

On in a the wall in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so".

[tommy.irene]

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Thanks, Billy.

[tommy.irene]

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroitwas 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[tommy.irene]

My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was 400 but he got it for just 25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!

[tommy.irene]

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars, £5 for busses. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £360 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds!... And no one knows his name.

[tommy.irene]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning, the fat security guard started chasing me. After running around the car park a few times, I finally came to a stop. He grabbed me by my collar and breathlessly said, "Open your jacket." So I unzipped it and said, "I've got nothing mate." "Then why did you run?" he asked. "Because I thought you could do with the exercise."

[tommy.irene]

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

[tommy.irene]

A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.” The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.” The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?” Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.” The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I am going to miss it this time..

[tommy.irene]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

[tommy.irene]

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge. “I’m a locksmith, your honor.” “And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’ “ I was making a bolt for the door!”

[tommy.irene]

EVER WONDER - - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? - - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? - - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid - made with real lemons? - - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? - - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? - - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? - - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

[tommy.irene]

A group of American tourists went into a pub in Kerry and one of them said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet €5,000 that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent & no-one took up the bet. However, the American noticed one man leaving & returning 40 minutes later saying "Hey Yank, your wee bet still on?" "Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000." "Grand so" replied the Kerryman, "pour the pints and start the clock." It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "OK yank, pay up." said the Irishman. "I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?' The Kerryman replied, "Well sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

[tommy.irene]

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

[tommy.irene]

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[tommy.irene]

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!” “Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”