The Jokes Thread

[chris250chris250]

I`m fed up with the excuses women give to avoid having sex.................

I`ve got a headache........

I`m washing my hair.........

I`m tired........................

I`m your sister!

[shade-the-changing-man]

[repairexpert]

"Murphy," asked the chemist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied Murphy, "but it keeps fallin' off.

[whatsmarkodoing]

a magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot ...every time he does a trick the parrot shouts ( it's in his pocket it's the 4 of club's , it's  got a false bottom ) the magician fuking hates it....that night the ship sink's and the him and the parrot cling to a piece of drift wood ....and for 4 days the parrot say's fuk all ...he just stares at the magician ...on the 5th day the parrot say's (ok i give up wheres the fuking ship ) ?

[ladderrack-123]

After that couple found that 42millon quid vase in the atttic I went and had a look in mine, well imagine my surprise when I found a Rembrant and a Stradivarius.

Trouble is Stradivarius couldnt paint and Rembrant was crap at making violins 😞

-- Edited by ladderrack-123 at 11/12/2010 7:05 PM GMT

[repairexpert]

Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Britain. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You fellows are amateurs. Several years ago a liberal politician out horse riding rode head-on into a truck traveling 80 miles an hour.

All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a big cheesey grin. Now he's Deputy Prime Minister!"

[whatsmarkodoing]

lol....how true.

[repairexpert]

Husband watching tv... Fat wife says "I just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me?" Husband says "sorry luv, I thought it was the start of Eastenders.

A man goes into the kitchen one morning to find his wife frying a sock.

So he asks her what she is doing.

She replies, "Just what you asked me to do last night, when you came home drunk".

Confused, he walks away scratching his head and thinking, "Why on earth would I have asked my wife to cook my sock?"

[**fuzzy**]

:^O

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[repairexpert]

Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[shade-the-changing-man]

I was told that my Muslim Optician had died yesterday.  Asif Eyecare.

[whatsmarkodoing]

someone asked me what i thought  about wills and kate !  i said sorry i don't watch the x factor .

[ladderrack-123]

a young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.The guy asks, "What's in the box?"The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later."That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door."Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands."South American Blow Job Toad.""So?" asks the wife."So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

[ladderrack-123]

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

(if this is against the rules just delete it ]:))

[repairexpert]

What rules? LOL.

[**fuzzy**]

Sounds like a good plan to me Dave! Lol

[ladderrack-123]

one you might appreciate fuzzy

THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS. 
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's  office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for  seniors. An elderly lady received  a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank  you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you  know who might need a lift today.

Dear Lions Bay School , God bless you  for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I  am 87 years old and live at  the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old  lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off. Thank you for  that wonderful opportunity. God bless you  all. Sincerely, Edna

[shade-the-changing-man]

[shade-the-changing-man]

[whatsmarkodoing]

sadly bernard matthews died this week and it his funeral will be held at norfolk crematurium at 11.am gas mark 6 for 3 hour's ...

[ladderrack-123]

no doubt he'll have a booootifull send off