Tommy stunned the priest one Sunday by showing up at mass for the first time in years. Afterward, the priest asked Tommy what had made him finally come to mass.

Tommy looked the priest in the eye and said, “Father, I cannot lie to you. I lost me good hat, and I know old Hogan has a hat just like it. I thought I’d leave mass early, and just take along old Hogan’s hat from the hat rack, sort of 'by mistake,' if you know what I mean.”

“But I see you’re still hatless,” said the priest. “What changed your mind, Tommy?”

“Your sermon on the ten commandments, Father,” Tommy replied.

“Ah,” said the priest. “So when you heard the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided not to take Hogan’s hat for yourself.”

“Not exactly, Father,” said Tommy. “When you mentioned the one about not committing adultery, I remembered where I left me own hat.”

The water bailiff catches Tommy leaving the lake with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the bailiff.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Tommy.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," said Tommy, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the lake once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"

"I can prove it." says Tommy. So they walk back to the reservoir and Tommy dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the buckret.

"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the bailiff. "Where are your fish?"

Tommy (he's not stupid) replied "What fish?"

Tommy was brought in to the private hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as groggy Tommy regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Tommy, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," Tommy whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted.

"Just my sister in America" he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you there Tommy. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Tommy. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Justice has been served
There's been some thug called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone...

Tommy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Gardai.

Noting Tommys erratic driving, the Gardai immediately breathalysed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident on the opposite side of the road. The Gardai were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters.

Tommy, figuring that the Guardai weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Guardai.

"Are you Mr Tommy Murphy?" they asked?

Tommy nodded his head.

"Were you pulled over in Church Street last night for driving under the influence?"

Again, the Tommy nervously nodded his head. "And what did you do then?" they asked.

Tommy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired.

Tommy told them that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the Gardai.

Tommy answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Guardai squad car.