Tommy sent a note to his boss to excuse his absence from work:-

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Tommy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the flippin' awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the flippin' barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the flippin' barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the blinkin' rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Tommy's not at work today.

Driving past the grounds of a university, a professor saw a student running hard. Snarling at his heels were three huge dogs.

Intent on rescue, the professor braked his Volkswagen to a halt and threw open the door. “Get in!” He commanded, “Get in!”

-“Say, you are the greatest,” the bearded youth grasped. “Most people won’t offer me a lift when they see I have three dogs.”

After being maried for forty years, Tommy's wife asked him to describe her.

After thinking for a while Tommy said "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H" then stopped a moment before continuingh "I, J, K".

"What the heck does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey".

"Oh that's lovely" she replied "But what about I, J, K" she asked.

Tommy replied "I'm Just Kidding".

Tommy's eye is still swollen but it should heal OK in a few weeks.

Tommy, Paddy and Murphy were stranded on an island off the coast of Galway. They were panic stricken but a Leprechaun appeared and offered them each a wish.

Paddy asked for the ability to become a strong swimmer. He was transfomed in to an Olympic athlete and swam back to the mainland.

Murphy asked to become an engineer so he was transformed and built a boat and sailed back to the mainland.

Tommy asked to be more intelligent. The Leprechaun transformed him in to a woman so she walked back to the mainland over the bridge.

Tommy was a country lad and had never been to Dublin city before and was awstruck looking round the huge department store. He asked a security man how he'd find his way around and was told there were notices everywhere and he was to just do what they said.

 All too soon, he returned, slightly dejected, to the security man.

'Look,' said Tommy, 'I've tried my best. The door marked 'Push' I pushed. The door marked 'Pull' I pulled. But when I got to the big door that said 'Lift', I couldn't get it off the floor!'

Tommy and his wife were out in the country and had an argument about which way to go and it ended up with neither speaking.

They passed a field with Cows, Bullocks and Donkeys. Tommy pointed and asked "Relatives of yours?"

His wife replied, "Yes, in-laws."

Tommy was waiting at the ATM to draw out some cash and an old lady was really slow. When she'd got her money she was looking at her balance so said to Tommy "I wonder if you'd mind checking my balance please?"

"No problem" said Tommy and shoved her over......