A tale is told about a small town in the South of England, late 1800's that had historically been "dry" (no alcohol sold), but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern.

A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene.

It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible.

The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that: "No matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear......... The Tavern Owner believes in the power of prayer and the Christians do not."

One night at a local pub frequented by a notorious bunch of hot-rod drivers, the local cops staked out the place waiting for drunk drivers.

As the cops waited, eventually Tommy stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The cops knew they had a drunk driver, so now all they had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the car park.

A few hours passed by and most of the other drivers had left by then, when Tommy abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out like a bat out of hell. The cops followed him and stopped him promptly.

They administered a breath test and it read 0.00. Confused, the cop asked Tommy what the hell was going on.

Tommy looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I was the designated decoy."

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.

The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion pounds.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

That's how the Stock market works.

Tommy and Irene decided to have a dog which proved to be a bit of a handful.

Tommy said  "You will never succeed in making that dog obey you. "

Irene replied "Nonsense! it's only a matter of patience, remember I had a lot of trouble with you at first as well."

You know you're getting old when :-

1. You can't read any more without reading glasses.
2. You disapprove of the clothing young people wear and their music, too.
3. You are stunned when a young person says "Who are the Beatles?"
4. Someone calls you Ma'am or Sir.
5. The doctor/police officer/etc look too young to be qualified to do these jobs.
6. You wish you had not thrown out your old toys, clothes, etc. as they are now worth lotsa money.
7. You are done for the night by 10 pm at the latest.
8. (for women) you find yourself shopping for sensible clothes instead of fashionable clothes.
9. You remember when you had to go into the hallway to use the house phone, cordless phones didn't exist.
10. You can't remember what you said to someone yesterday, but you can remember television commercial jingles from the 1960's.
11. You're still tired even though you've slept 12 hours.
12. You say, "kids today".
13. You have more medicine and tablets in the cupboard than the local pharmacy.
14. You say "They don't make shows like that any more."
15. You remember when WIRELESS meant a radio and had nothing to do with internet connections.

Declan met Paddy in the street. Paddy was hobbling along holding his back. When asked what had happened Paddy said "It was that soft fool Tommy, it's all his fault."

Declan asked "What did Tommy do to you?"

"The fool told me Brendan was getting married to his girlfriend."

"How the heck could that do your back in?" said Declan "Brendan ain't got a girlfiend anyway?"

"It seems that Brendan asked that fool Tommy to lend him some money. Tommy asked him what it was for and Tommy thought he said it was to get married so he lent him some. When I met Tommy and he was telling me about it I said that Brendan hadn't got a girlfriend. He said that he must have one and her name is Ooarna."

"Ooarna? Never heard of that name" said Declan.

"No, neither had I" said Paddy "so I asked Tommy exactly what Brendan had said the money was for. I ricked my back laughing so much when the silly old fool said Marryooarna."

Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

All my love, Tommy.

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and/or it doesn't

Tony and Jane go to see a marriage Councillor.
The Councillor asks, "So, you two are married, correct?"
"Correct," they reply...

"And you are having regular er, um, relations?"... asks the Councillor....

"Absolutely," they reply.
"So," laughs the Councillor, "what is the problem?"
"Well, our partners don't really approve."

Tommy and his wife were relaxing after she'd made a lovely meal but she soon fell asleep.

Tommy thought he'd reward her with a nice cup of tea so went in to the kitchen and saw all the used pans and dishes so he thought he'd wash up too.

When he'd done, he made the tea and gently woke his wife "I've made you a nice cup of tea sweetheart" he said.

"Why thank you dear, that's a lovely surprise, I must have dropped off, look at the time."

"Yes" said Tommy "I washed up too. That Black pan took me a while but the wire wool scourer has got it nice and shiny."

"Tommy, that was my nice new Teflon coated non-stick pan, it cost thirty five quid"............

One day at the building site, a loud-mouth was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Tommy, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Tommy had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Tommy reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks Tommy, the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
Tommy says, "No, my dog doesn't bite."
The man tries to stroke the dog and the dog bites him.
"OWWWWW!" He says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
Tommy replied, "That's not my dog!"

Tommy owned a Chemists shop and one day popped in to check on his new assistant and found a chap leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

Tommy asked the new assistant "What's with that chap over there by the wall?"

The assistant said "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough medicine so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

Tommy said "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The assistant said "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

Good medicine coming in here. I haven't laughed so much in ages.