A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams



An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie



Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac



Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris



Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey



Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus



Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle



Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben



Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp



He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor



I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin



I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown



I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam



I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx



I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson



I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller



If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown



If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown



If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams



If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown



If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant



If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant



I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen



I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr



It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry



It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin



Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson



Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant



Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce



My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante



No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown



Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra



One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell



One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant



No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant



Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff



Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous



Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown



Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman



The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc



The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus



The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp



The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp



This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp



Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein



When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding



Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown