Wow.  I was just passing through as I'm up late because my sleeping patterns are messed up while coming of anti depressants - my fault, not the drugs!

Streety, if I could take that black veil off you that makes everything feel so heartbreaking and threatening and hopeless I would in a heatbeat xx

Depression is not 'feeling down' or 'a bit sad'.  It sucks all the colour and lfe out of you and your surroundings and leaves you in a living nightmare that impacts on everything, and no amount of 'cheer up, it could be worse'  or 'what have you got to be depressed about'  or 'just try and think happy thoughts' by well meaning people can do anything but make sufferers feel worse.   Its not something that is within the control of the person, any more than a broken leg or -say- gallstones is.

To give you something to grab onto, Streety - however little - I will say that I was first treated for depression around 10 year old, and roughly every 10 years since.  Diet and lifestyle have helped me extend the window of wellness, but I gratefully resorted to antidepressants when that no longer helped.  A years treatment has given me a crutch to allow me to make some changes to my life that bolster wellness.  I have a little job that I love, have made new friends through it, and have become comfortable with driving again because of it (driving became a big problem - a responsibility thing, I believe)  

If you are not already under treatment PLEASE go to the doc.They should refer you to their mental health nurse for some counselling as well, and do fight to get some CBT for home use.  It does work if you let it.    Do not try to go it alone - there is no need as help is out there and it can help.  There is much you can do to help yourself but there comes a time when a bit of outside help is warranted and effective.  Drug help is nothing to be frightened of.  I am coming off of Citlopram after a year on 30mg with little more than disturbed sleep patterns and that is only because I'm doing it a tad faster than I should (never had patience with myself so gone from 20 to 5mg in a week which is not to be recommended:)   

From what I know of your circumstances you have had enormous stress for a good long while, and ongoing domestic dramas that would sap anyones resilience.   I wish I was near enough to help you in a practical way but as I'm not I'll settle for well wishing you.  

Depression is the very bugger.....but it can be overcome or at least cowed.      Accept help, and be kind to yourself.  And know that you are sadly not alone.......but that there are many people ready to grab hold of your hand and hold on tight to help you xx