Should you ever need an ark, I Noah guy.

 England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

 Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.