Directive. (Issued 5.5.2016).

It has come to our attention that people are breathing in fresh air. After extensive research, investigation, and laboratory findings, we believe the 'fresh' part to be contentious, and not exactly true. We have found that doing so can lead to all manner of things being inhaled.

To wit: Airborne germs, exhaust fumes, tobacco fumes, pollen, BO and foot odour, garden bonfires, burning food, oppressive and heavy female perfume, cheap aftershave, rotten eggs, methane gas, garlic breath, composts, some air fresheners, blue cheese, raw / decaying fish, manure, ozone, human / animal faeces, fumes from industry / landfill sites, paint, sewers, stagnant water, and skunks.

We therefore deem it necessary that all members that are presently part of the EU, must now wear surgical face masks. This to become effective 7 days from the above date. (12.5.2016).

THE EUROPEAN UNION.