The joke for today is:-

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Todays rib tickler is:-

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

From The Times yesterday..........

"Many people think that Barbara Windsor should have had a damehood years ago for services to innuendo. Nice to see someone's finally given her one".

Seamus is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is Tommy standing at the door. It didn't take Seamus long to realise Tommy was as was drunk as a skunk.

"Hello Sor" Tommy slurs, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says Seamus and slams the door.

Seamus goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Seamus, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So Seamus gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Tommy anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes please Sor."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

Tommy replies: "I'm over here, on your garden swing."