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@bill-xxx wrote:

Hello lovely Red Cross people. I lost my wallet in the erm...devastation and wondered if you could fly me in a new one (It had £500 in it). Also, the yard broom fell over. Thanks.

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Dear Earthquake Victim.

Thank you for your heartfelt plea. We are truly sorry for your sad predicament. However, we regret to inform you that the carrier pigeon transporting your wallet, and the £500 contained therein, was accidentally shot down while flying over a clay pigeon shoot in Lincolnshire.

We do strive to help all those people who are in desperate need, but in this instance we have sadly failed in our otherwise faultless service, and not lived up to our usual high standards.

To compensate for this omission of duty, we are sending you a dustpan and brush on the premise that your broom suffered extensive and unrepairable damage in the fall. This will be dispatched to your local community centre a week tomorrow (Monday), by our rapid response team. Please collect.

Yours Sincerely,

RED CROSS.