A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbor asked, "What the hell are you doing?" 
“My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” “Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”