Convict to new Convict...

 

" What did your mum say when you were thrown in jail ? "

 

"Welcome ! "

A recently deceased Man is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water." "All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."