There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. The place fell silent and all the other men in the bar looked at him as the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"

"No," replied the man, "I am from London."

"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"

"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.

"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"

"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."

The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"

Prince Charles slams on his brakes in front of the palace a fraction too late.... sadly one splattered corgi....  
Distraught he stands supporting himself on the stone balustrade by the steps supporting a lantern, going " Oh dear oh dear, however am I going to tell mummy "
Bang !!!!! Out pops a genie...."Your highness, you have realised me from the lantern..your wish is my command"
"Oh am I pleased to see you, please, please, could you possibly bring mummy's corgi back to life?"
"Alas your highness, many things I can do, but bringing dead animals back to life is not one of them.. is there anyhting else I can do for you ?"

Charles scratches his head and ponders, then "Well, there is is yes. Do you think you could possibly make my darling Camilla as beautiful, as popular, as much loved as was Diana?"

The genie scratches his head in return " Do you think we could take another look at the corgi ?

Granny goes to the hairdressers and gets her haircut really short. When she gets home, little johnny, her grandson, says: "granny that's marvelous! You don't look like an old woman anymore!"
"thank you johnny," says granny. "that was a lovely thing to say. What do I look like now?" johnny replies, "like a  old man."

A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".

Happy New Year..