Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day ?

 

Just remember, it could be worse..

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are ha ving a bad day ?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're havi ng a bad day ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?! STILL having a bad day ??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The old man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, the old man heard a scream. 'I thought I told you to be quiet!', he said. 'I was when the snake bit me,' the young man said. 'And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed!'

A party of tourists was taking in the sights on the west coast of Ireland. Having driven for a couple of hours, the coach pulled up at a monastery where the holy hospitalers had prepared tea and cakes.

 

After the snack, the tourists were being shown around the historic building. Entering the kitchen they found a brother slicing potatoes and dropping them into a pan of boiling fat.

 

'Oh I see,' said a smart-alec Englishman, 'you're obviously a chip-monk?'

 

'No,' was the reply from Father Tommy, 'I'm the fryer.'

Tommy, a senior citizen in Galway bought a convertible. He took off down the Bishop Connell Road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a cop-car behind him.

 

"I can get away from him" thought the old man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old to be making such a holy show of meself."

 

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the garda to catch up with him. The garda pulled in behind the old fella and walked up to him.

 

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

Tommy looked at the garda and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a copper and I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir," said the officer.

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids. He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and with his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy replied, "And why would you be saying such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes--but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!

Just found out that a dentist a block away from here was arrested for dealing drugs.
Shows you how wrong you can be about people.
I had been going to him for over ten years, and I never knew he was a dentist ...

Ebay is brilliant!!!!!

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude, the Hypnotist!!!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch!"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage --- and burst apart on impact.

"**bleep**," said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

Hey guys, so I’m here to say goodbye to this group which I love so much. My boyfriend says I’m in this group every 2 seconds and he can’t stand it anymore. We argued and he told me to choose between him or the group. So I'm gonna be offline for a couple hours while I pack his bags!!! I'll be right back.

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way
the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs.. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said . After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Steve Jobs dies a billionaire, with a fortune of $7 billion, at the age of 56 from pancreatic cancer, and here are some of his last words... 👇👇👇

“In other eyes, my life is the essence of success, but aside from work, I have a little joy. And in the end, wealth is just a fact of life to which I am accustomed.”

“At this moment, lying on the bed, sick and remembering all my life, I realize that all my recognition and wealth that I have is meaningless in the face of imminent death. You can hire someone to drive a car for you, make money for you – but you can not rent someone to carry the disease for you. One can find material things, but there is one thing that can not be found when it is lost – “LIFE”. ❤️

Treat yourself well, and cherish others. As we get older we are smarter, and we slowly realize that the watch is worth $30 or $300 – both of which show the same time. Whether we carry a purse worth $30 or $300 – the amount of money in the wallets are the same. Whether we drive a car worth $150,000, or a car worth $30,000 – the road and distance are the same, we reach the same destination. If we drink a bottle worth $300 or wine worth $10 – the “stroller” will be the same. If the house we live in is 300 square meters, or 3000 square meters – the loneliness is the same.”

“Your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. 🌍 Whether you’re flying first class, or economy class – if the plane crashes, you crash with it.”

So, I hope you understand that when you have friends or someone to talk to – this is true happiness! ✅

💥 Five Undeniable Facts 💥

1️⃣ Do not educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy. – So when they grow up they will know the
value of things, not the price.

2️⃣ Eat your food as medicine, otherwise you will need to eat your medicine as food.

3️⃣ Whoever loves you will never leave you, even if he has 100 reasons to give up. He will always find one reason to hold on.

4️⃣ There is a big difference between being human and human being.

5️⃣ If you want to go fast – go alone! But if you want to go far – go together.

And in conclusion... 👇

👨‍⚕️ The six best doctors in the world 👩‍⚕️

1️⃣ Sunlight
2️⃣ Rest
3️⃣ Exercise
4️⃣ Diet
5️⃣ Self-confidence
6️⃣ Friends

Keep them in all stages of life and enjoy a healthy life. 😊

Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends...

Treat yourself well. Cherish others. 🎉

“Love the people God sent you, one day he’ll need them back.”

I love Ebay!!!!!!

My son is always complaining about the cost of things. "£1.50 for a coffee! £3.75 for a ham sandwich! 20p to just to go to the loo!"
Honestly, he was moaning about it all of yesterday, so that's the last time I invite him over to my house!