Tommy was out on the town and had met up with and been chatting to a gorgeous young colleen all evening who was everything Tommy was looking for.

She had lovely long dark hair, a gorgeous figure, a sweet and cheeky face with those attractive high cheek-bones and lovely snub nose and perfectly formed lips. Set in to that gorgeous face were long eyelashes around cheeky Brown come-to-bed eyes. After plying her with drinks all evening Tommy had no need to use his Irish charm to ask her to come back home with him as she said "If you'll come outside with me, I'll show you a good time".

Tommy couldn't believe his luck and escorted her outside where she certainly showed him a good time, she ran a hundred yards in less than ten seconds.

What happened there old chap? Any way, let's have a Tommy joke eh?

Paddy and Tommy were trying to get a disability pension, they were pretending to be deaf in order to get disability money from the government.

The next day they have to go to the hearing centre for their test. Paddy walks into the office, the man sat at his desk said “Hello, come in, shut the door behind you.”

Paddy shut the door and went to take a seat. The man said “Get out, you ain’t deaf, I just asked you to shut the door behind you and you shut it, you can hear perfectly fine, out get out!”

On his way out Paddy says to Tommy in the waiting room “Now whatever you do, don’t shut that door, he’s trying to trick you.”

So when Tommy walked in, the man said “Shut the door behind you.”
Tommy said “Shut it yourself!”

Paddy took his mate Tommy to the betting shop for the first time and showed him how to play some of the machines. After a while Tommy said he'd got the hang of it and went to try one on his own.

"Whoopee, I broke even on this one" Tommy shouted.

Paddy walked over and said "Tommy, that's the change machine."

Mick and Tommy were re-roofing a house. They were up and down the scaffold all day but when Mick was nailing some slates while Tommy brought up some replacements, he dropped one and it sliced off Tommy's ear.

Mick dashed down the ladder to check on Tommy who was looking for his ear. Mick found it "I've got it Tommy" he shouted.

Tommy replied "That's not mine, mine had a pencil behind it".

Tommy went to the stables to buy a horse. "I want one that can run fast" he told the stable owner, Shifty Sherlock.

“Listen here” said Shifty, “I’ve got just the horse you're looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an wierd chap. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey. The way to get him to go is to scream Thank God."

Tommy nodded his head, “Fine with me, I can live with that, can I take him for a test run?”

Tommy was having the time of his life, "this horse sure can run" he thought to himself. Tommy was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” he screamed, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Tommy but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when he suddenly remembered and screamed “heyhey!”. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Tommy could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

A young male streaker ran past 2 old ladies on Tynemouth Sea Front earlier, one had a stroke and the other one couldn't reach....