A man was paying his lawyer a visit. The lawyer said, “I have bad news and worse news for you.” The man said, “Give me the bad news first.” “Your wife has gotten hold of a picture worth over half a million pounds!” “That’s bad news? What could be worse than that?” asked the man. “Well, it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

A Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a box of soap that was empty. Management tasked its engineers to solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence. The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast. But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

The man charged into the jewelery shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

My Dog Named Sex Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too". I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday

The rain was pouring down and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply. 'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238″ and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Ten pounds,” he replies. “We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator. About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door.There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.” “We’ll send someone over.” The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds! That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!” “Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.” The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!” About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Dublin. I want to know where I came from."

Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door? A. Because it soot’s him!

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel. The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I want a divorce." He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph. She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you." He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph. She says "I want the house and the car." (He is now doing 100mph.) "I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees. The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?" "No, I've got all I need." He said "Oh really, so what exactly do you have?" Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says: "The air-bag!:

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the Dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time He placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to mess all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

This fellow was a very good harp player and wound up playing a gig in San Francisco, at a pub named Sam Fran's Disco. When his gig was up and he returned home, he found out he had forgotten his harp. When he told his wife he had to go right back, she wanted to know why. He said, "Because I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco".

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really like to see your handsome face ." She said James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" "Oh please? The girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Really, I can't", He replies. "my wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asks once more time and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into to bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and says, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?” Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.

I was so drunk last night i took off my shoes folded my clothes over my arm and crept upstairs as not to disturb the wife it was only when I got to the top i realised i was on the bus !

We have the ‘ I’m alright Jacks’ who care only about themselves; the Haters and Fearers who only start threads about bashing foreigners; the Goaders who look for a fight while putting others down; the Nutters and the Paranoid who make little sense at any time; The Blamers – everything is someone else’s fault; the Know-it-Alls and the Smug; the more Humble; the Intolerant and Angry; the Tolerant and Reasoned; the Couldn’t Care Less about much at all; the Passionate; the Compassionate; the Smart and the Not So Smart; the Grumpy Moaners; the Cheerful; the Dull; the Wise; the Animated; the Funny etc. Do you think that the RT is a representative (proportionate) sample of the UK public in general? Or at least of the equivalent age range, as age would have an influence - I guess that most Rters are middle-aged or older. It’s quite a hard question I suppose, because in real life we tend to associate mostly with people of like mind.

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed. "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave oven," he replied.

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"