I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[jimbo1lee]

Can I post for a 300 snipe,?   ]:)

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

[tommy.irene]

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

[tommy.irene]

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

[tommy.irene]

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.                                                                ........................................................ Tommy Loves Everyone

[tommy.irene]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

[10phizz]

Granny takes little boy with her when she visits the cemetery  and being his first visit he is intrigued by all the grave stones and asks what they are for. His Granny explains it`s so they know where everyone is buried.............

Well, he said, Why don`t they just leave the heads sticking out ?

the innocence of children !

[tommy.irene]

1.00pm in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend, when an UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put its lights on. Lauren's parents have 4 children (of various ages) and have always told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather wait until they get to a service station, etc.
So Lauren remembered her parents' advice, and telephoned 112 from her mobile phone. 
This connected her to the police dispatcher she told the dispatcher that there was an unmarked car with a flashing blue light behind her and that she would not pull over right away but wait until she was in a service station or busy area. 
The dispatcher checked to see if there was a police car where she was and there wasn't and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back-up already on the way. 
Ten minutes later 4 police cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. 
... One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind.
They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground........the man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes. 
I never knew that bit of advice, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you do not have to pull over for an UNMARKED car.
Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a 'safe' place. 
You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them I.e., put on your hazard lights) or call 112 like Lauren did. 
Too bad the mobile phone companies don't give you this little bit of wonderful information. 
So now it's your turn to let your friends know about 112 (112 is an emergency number on your mobile that takes you straight to the police because 999 does not work if you have no signal). 
This is good information that I did not know!

[tommy.irene]

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

[tommy.irene]

EST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that i am leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and i have nothing to show for it. These last two week have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit you job today and that was the last straw. LAst week you came home and did not even notice my new haircut, or that i had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s3x or any thing that connects us husband and wife. Either your cheating on me or you do not love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone. signed Your EX-Husband P.S Don't try to find me. Your sister and i are moving to West Virginia together! Have a Great life... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than recieving your letter. It's true we have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, i didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because i stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and i prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, i still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when i hit the lotto for 10 million, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when i got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, i guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as hell and free... P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that is not a problem! 🙂

[tommy.irene]

The Barber Shop A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[tommy.irene]

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

[tommy.irene]

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!

[tommy.irene]

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

[tommy.irene]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[tommy.irene]

The Atlantic Road - the world's best road trip in Norway

[tommy.irene]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. 

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. 

However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. 

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. 

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. 

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. '' Congratulations! 

You're a free man. 

Just tell me why didn't you jump?'' asked the doctor. 

To which the third patient answered, ''Well Doc, I can't swim!''

[tommy.irene]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." 

The bartender was crushed to death.

[tommy.irene]

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”