I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

---

@merehazle wrote:

Oh, I would guess £20 notes start to fly out?!

Excuse me but I will let someone else try it first.

And even then if my lap top blows up?   I'll ruddy well sue you.

---

Ha..ha..

[tommy.irene]

A little girl says to her mum "mummy can I take Lucy the dog for a walk round the block?"
Mum relies "no she's on heat"
Little girl asks "what do mean by on heat mummy?"
Mum replies "go and ask your father he's in the garage"

So the little girl goes into the garage and says "daddy mummy said Lucy is on heat and I want to take her for a walk round the block"
Dad then grabs a piece of cloth, soaks it in petrol and rubs it on the dog's backside to disguise any smell, then says that little girl can take the dog for a walk, adding "make sure you keep her on a leash and only go round the block once"
About 20 mins later the child returns with a leash but no dog.
Dad says "where's the dog?" (wait for it........)



The little girl replies "well she ran out of petrol about half way so another dog is pushing her home"..

[tommy.irene]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!): 

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. 
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's 
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that 
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is 
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't..'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it 
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack 
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[tommy.irene]

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

[tommy.irene]

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

[tommy.irene]

NEWS FLASH


A mans body was removed from the River Thames this morning.

He was wearing a Chelsea football top, womans stockings, high heels, wig and had a sex toy in his left hand. To save his family any embarrassment the Police removed the Chelsea top.

[tommy.irene]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the 
Head with a frying pan. 
'What was that for?' the man asked. 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on 
It that I found in your pants pocket'. 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' 
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. 
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[tommy.irene]

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said,........................"it's a  scarf."

[tommy.irene]

Curtain Rods - an extension of the old story



On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases...


On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things...



On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, 
by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water...



When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods..



He then cleaned up the kitchen and left...



On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss...



Then, slowly, the house began to smell...



They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place...



Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned...



Air fresheners were hung everywhere... Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting...

Nothing worked !!!
People stopped coming over to visit...



Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...



Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, 
but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house...



Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls...



Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place...



Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going... She told him the saga of the rotting house... He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange 
for having the house...



Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth... 
But only if he would sign the papers that very day...



He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork...



A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......







and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!



Don't you just love stories with "happy endings"?

[merehazle]

NO!!!

  ......

[tommy.irene]

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

[tommy.irene]

An example of the new America: A brother and sister were driving to a couple stores and the conversation of buying things they needed came up. As they were talking, the sister mentioned that she needed to get a new car. The brother said, “Well, you have a college degree now, so you can go get the job that pays you more." The sister, who made between 10 and 11 dollars an hour said, “I already got the job that my college degree will get me. Now what?”

[tommy.irene]

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

[tommy.irene]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.' 

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really 
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my 
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything 
better and I go to work.. You try that.' 



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You 
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got 
nice house'

__________________

[tommy.irene]

Speaking about condoms , in 2000 during the Sydney olympics a friend of mine once said to 
to his wife , I was in the chemist this mrning and I saw some of those new olympic condons so I bought some ... She said Olympic condoms what are they ... He said they come in the 3 different colours like the medals , gold , silver & bronze ... She said might as well throw the silver and bronze ones out , you always come first you inconsiderate basket.

[tommy.irene]

General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[tommy.irene]

PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY,
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY
PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE
HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

[tommy.irene]

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

[tommy.irene]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT 



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!



Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla' 


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TODEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.




PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”