topic Re: JOKES in The Round Table

JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 00:50:18 GMT

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 00:56:04 GMT

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?

Yeah, I know you are..)

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I
know you did.

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 00:58:24 GMT

Tap on the Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 01:00:06 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 01:05:57 GMT

Two women talking after death

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive!

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 01:13:16 GMT

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 01:16:14 GMT

Re: JOKES

mepixin12 — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 03:06:07 GMT

Yes I did laugh ROFL

Happy New Joke Thread Tommy

Re: JOKES

cee-dee — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 10:30:23 GMT

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew
to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who
was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 1 January 2014

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:27:08 GMT

Last night I saw the New Year in with a bang .. My blow up doll exploded!

Re: JOKES

ronnybabes — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 16:33:39 GMT

Tommy....

This is a joke thread, not a true story thread.

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 19:36:32 GMT

@ronnybabes wrote:
Tommy....

This is a joke thread, not a true story thread.

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 00:00:04 GMT

No longer do I worry what others say!
No longer do I regret at the end of the day!
No longer do I try hard to please!
No longer do I resist falling down to my knees!
No longer do I dress how the fashion is!
No longer do I think of others with a snarly hiss!

-- For I have become who I am --

I have awakened my dreams!
I stand on the precipice each moment!
I smile from my heart as I observe!
I breathe deeply and LOVE the world!
I create and express from my heart!
I flow, I feel, I dance and believe in who I am!

-- For I am an EXPRESSION of who I am --

No one can take this away from me - for I have discovered it myself and I AM IT - it is noone's but MINE to take away.

-- For I Am who I Am --

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 05:46:30 GMT

A guy dies and goes to hell, and meets Satan. Satan says to the man;
"Nowadays, people entering hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside, and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity."
The man agrees and Satan takes him down a long, dark hallway. Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard-wood floor. The man says;
This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please."
Satan then walks the man down to the second door. The man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
The man says;
"This is even worse. Please show me another room."
Satan nods and takes him to the third door, and the man looks inside; he sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid tar, all drinking coffee. The man says;
"This is the place for me."
Satan then asks;
"Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..."
The man says;
"I'm positive. I do love coffee."
The man steps in, and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says;
"Coffee break is over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!!

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 05:53:22 GMT

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Re: JOKES

ronnybabes — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 16:06:43 GMT

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Checkout 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then
picked up the intercom and said.......................

(you'll love this one so keep
scrolling..................)

'Mop and bucket to checkout 5'

Re: JOKES

ronnybabes — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 17:52:25 GMT

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a flight to Vancouver from Singapore.
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... nobody's looking... You go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down."

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff.. Sniff...
"Ah perfume - you think of everything !"

"This is great...!" (long deep sighs)...

Suddenly a voice erupts over the intercom and then...

"This is the Captain speaking... To those two people in the rear toilet.

We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by Airline
Regulations....

Now put out those cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 18:46:06 GMT

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.
After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.
After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.
Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?" To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 06:17:35 GMT

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

Re: JOKES

tommy.irene — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 08:14:34 GMT

An ex-convict with a violent temper gets a job as a maintainence man in a zoo . While repairing the fish tank a few fish bit his ankles . He smashed them with his hammer in retaliation. He quickly threw them to the lions so he wouldn't get caught . His next job was repairing the chimpanzee cage . The chimps played hell with him until he turned on them with his hammer . Again he threw the dead chimps to the lions . His last job was making a new hive for the bees but they stung him badly . He smashed the bees into a pulp with his hammer and again threw them to the lions .
The next day a new lion arrived at the zoo. He asked the other lions what the food was like . One lion said that it's getting better - yesterday we had fish , chimps and mushy bees !